THE WINDS OF CHANGE

By

Allen Lyne

©  Allen Lyne

    8 Redgate Court

    Moana Heights

    South Australia  5169

    Ph (08) 8 327 4142

    bear@senet.com.au


                                    MUSIC UP. SPOT ON SEAN DARGIE CRACKING SAFE.

                                    HE SUCCEEDS. GRINS TRIUMPHANTLY AT AUDIENCE.

                                    SAFE DOOR SLAMS ON HIS FINGER. BLACKOUT. FAINT

                                    LIGHT UP ON ACTING AREA. DARGIE AND CRUNT BACK

                                    FURTIVELY ACROSS THE ROOM UNTIL THEY BUMP INTO

                                    ONE ANOTHER. BLACKOUT. SYLVIA SMART CHASES A

                                    GUINEA PIG ACROSS LABORATORY WITH A BUTTERFLY

                                    NET. SHE CHASES IT OFF STAGE. CRASH. SYLVIA

                                    RETURNS WITH ASIO AGENT IN NET. BLACKOUT. POLICE

                                    PERSON SPLATT AND FARMER BROWN APPEAR IN

                                    WINDOW. A COW APPEARS BETWEEN THEM  THERE IS A

                                    MASSIVE FART. BLACKOUT. ADOLPH HITLER APPEARS IN

                                    A SPOTLIGHT. FART BLACKOUT. MUSIC ENDS

                                    FAINT LIGHT ON OFFICE. BIRDIES TWITTER. IT IS EARLY

                                    EVENING.THE CLOCK ON THE WALL SHOWS SEVEN

                                    O'CLOCK. IT STRIKES THIRTEEN TIMES. SEAN DARGIE

                                    ENTERS THROUGH THE WINDOW.HE IS DRESSED IN BLACK

                                    TROUSERS AND SKIVVY WITH A BLACK BALACLAVA OVER

                                    HIS FACE. MOVES TO DESK WITH FLASH LIGHT. SWITCHES

                                    ON DESK LAMP. MOVES TO SAFE AND FIDDLES. CRACKS

                                    COMBINATION AND REMOVES PAPERS FROM SAFE.

                                    SOUNDS OF LOCKS OF MANY KINDS BEING UNLOCKED,

                                    CHAINS REMOVED, BOLTS BEING DRAWN. DARGIE HIDES

                                    THE PAPERS IN A VASE.LOOKS FOR A WAY OUT. RUNS

                                    THROUGH OFFICE INTO LABORATORY. OPENS DOOR AND

                                    FLASHES TORCH. DOUBLETAKES, SLAMS DOOR AND RUNS

                                    TO CURTAINS UPSTAGE. PULLS CURTAINS BACK AND

                                     DISCOVERS ASIO AGENT HIDING THERE. DARGIE RUNS

                                    BACK INTO THE OFFICE AND DIVES OUT WINDOW AS THE

                                    LAST BOLT IS DRAWN AND DOCTOR SYLVIA SMART ENTERS.

                                    SOUND OF LARGE DOGS AND SCREAM. SYLVIA LOOKS OUT

                                    OF THE WINDOW, SEES NOTHING AND SHRUGS. SHE MOVES

                                    INTO THE LABORATORY AND SWITCHES ON THE LIGHT. SHE

                                    CHECKS THROUGH THE DOOR. SATISFIED SHE MOVES TO

                                    HER DESK AND STARTS WORK. SHE OPENS A DRAWER AND

                                    TAKES OUT TWO ANTHRAX INFECTED HANDS. THERE IS A

                                    FLASH AS THE ASIO AGENT TAKES A PHOTOGRAPH. SYLVIA

                                    TURNS TOWARDS THE DRAPES AND SEES NOTHING.

                                    SLIGHTLY BEMUSED SHE RESUMES WORK PUNCTURING

                                    ANTHRAX BLISTERS AND TRANSFERRING PUS ONTO SLIDES.

                                    COLONEL FIG ENTERS WITH AN OPEN CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE

                                    AND MOVES TO THE DESK. SYLVIA TAKES TWO BEAKERS

                                    FROM A DRAWER. FIG POURS CHAMPAGNE.THEY STARE AT

                                    ONE ANOTHER, GLASSES RAISED.

                                    Fig

                                    Burpenfart

                                    Sylvia

                                    Burpenfart

                                    Fig

                                    I supervised the loading myself.

                                    Sylvia

                                    You are a very conscientious man

                                    Fig

                                    A handy trait I picked up from my school teachers.

                                    We should celebrate project Burpenfart's completion

                                    with something more substantial than a bottle of champagne.

                                    Come on, let's paint the town red.

                                    Sylvia

                                    In Bourke? There's nothing to paint but the fence posts.

                                    Fig

                                    You don't understand what we could mean to each other.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Get up and stop grovelling on the floor. I hate it when you do that.

                                    Fig

                                    Forgive me. I've been unhappy since my wife left.

                                    Sylvia

                                    What became of her?

                                    Fig

                                    She ran off with the local parish priest.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Oh!

                                    Fig

                                    The shame of it. And she an Anglican. Not that it mattered

                                     I never loved her. Made me determined never to trust an

                                    Irish Catholic again.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Well, water under the bridge.

                                    FIG BEGINS TO CHASE SYLVIA AROUND THE DESK.

                                    Fig

                                    With you it could be different. Oh, I know there's twenty years

                                     between us, but it wouldn't matter. Think of it, a marriage

                                    between two really great minds. A brilliant administrative brain

                                    like mine coupled with your scientific genius. Together we could

                                    conquer the world.

                                    FIG GIVES UP. HE IS WINDED.

                                    Sylvia

                                    I have all the worlds I want right here in this laboratory. Really

                                    Colonel Fig, I must insist that you cease these silly emotional

                                    displays.

                                    Fig

                                    Forgive me, doctor Smart. Forgive me, dear, devoted colleague.

                                    Sylvia

                                    You must miss your wife very much.

                                    Fig

                                    Not really, but she was all I had. You consider me too old for you?

                                    Sylvia

                                    My school girl days are far behind me, colonel

                                    Fig

                                    Not so far.

                                    Sylvia

                                    You come from a forgotten era of gallantry. Do you still see yourself

                                    as the dashing subaltern?

                                    Fig

                                    I didn't do my share of dashing and there's the rub. I married young

                                    to enhance my career prospects. Now my wife has gone I find it

                                    impossible to know how to act in situations of potential seduction.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Your wife may yet return to you.

                                    Fig

                                    I doubt it. She's a very determined woman.

                                    Fig

                                    You are well advanced with the burpenfart antidote?

                                    Sylvia

                                    It is almost finished.

                                    Fig

                                    Yet you have already started on the Anthrax project?

                                    Sylvia

                                    When these hands arrived this morning, I became enthusiastic.

                                    HE IDLY PICKS UP A HAND AND WAVES IT AT SYLVIA.

                                    Fig

                                    Brilliant, but undisciplined.

                                    Sylvia

                                    That is most unfair. I will not have you impugn me on the grounds

                                    of lack of discipline.

                                    Fig

                                    But my dear Doctor, you did start work on the Anthrax project

                                    before completing the Burpenfart antidote.

                                    Sylvia

                                    In my own time, Colonel Fig. In my own time. It is many hours

                                    since my working day officially ended.

                                    Fig

                                    Once again I am forced to beg your pardon. We are so much

                                    alike in so many ways.

                                    FIG EXITS. THE ASIO AGENT COMES FROM BEHIND

                                    THE DRAPES AND BRIEFLY INVESTIGATES THE

                                    ROOM. OPENS DOOR STAGE RIGHT AND EXITS.

                                    VOICE-OFF

                                    "WHAT'S THIS? NO LIGHTS. HELLO A BARRED DOOR.

                                     WHAT'S IN HERE?"

                                    SOUND OF DOOR OPENING. GRUNTS. SCREAMS. SOUND

                                    OF LARGE ANIMAL FEEDING. A HUMAN THIGH BONE IS

                                     THROWN ONSTAGE. 2001 THEME. BLACKOUT.

                                    CRUNT IS ATTEMPTING TO CRACK THE SAFE. DARGIE

                                    ENTERS BEHIND HIM. HE POKES A FINGER INTO CRUNT'S BACK.

                                    Dargie

                                    Dropa da gun. Now turn around. Who are a you?

                                    Crunt

                                    I'm a priest looking for communion. Do you require any?

                                    Dargie

                                    I'm not a catholic.

                                    Crunt

                                    That's my gun.

                                    Dargie

                                    I didn't have a one of my own, eh.

                                    Crunt

                                    I knew that!

                                    Dargie

                                    Why does a priest carry a gun?

                                    Crunt

                                    Communion can be rough sometimes.

                                    Dargie

                                    Who are a you?

                                    Crunt

                                    Crunt.

                                    Dargie

                                    Mama Mia, you don't a like a yourself?

                                    Crunt

                                    Mike Crunt. ASIOs top agent.

                                    Dargie

                                    Really?

                                    Crunt

                                    No-one listens. When I was in the army, every time an officer

                                    asked my name I'd finish up on a charge. They used to say

                                    "Why did you call this officer a Crunt, Crunt? I appeal to your

                                    patriotism as an Australian, give me back my gun and don't tell

                                     your boss I'm here.

                                    Dargie

                                    I don't a work here, eh. My name is Antonio Dargie. Investigative

                                    journalist for the Leftish News. D notice defying monthly

                                    newspaper for the Australian Intelligentsia.

                                    Crunt

                                    You have a low circulation.

                                    Dargie

                                    But a high blood pressure... Maybe you a know what goes on around

                                    here, huh?

                                    Crunt

                                    They make fine fertilizers.

                                    Dargie

                                    No one can buy the fertilizers here.

                                    Crunt

                                    This factory produces for the export market.

                                    Dargie

                                    That's a lotta shit.

                                    Crunt

                                    Right on...! Give me back my gun and I'll tell you what

                                    does go on around here.

                                    Dargie

                                    You tell a me anyway.

                                    Crunt

                                    I'll die first.   (Dargie cocks the gun)   It's a top secret plant

                                    producing chemical and biological weapons for the Australian

                                    government. Produced a very good line in bubonic plague last

                                    year. Lately they've been working on project Burpenfart, which

                                    makes people do just that. Next up it's a more virulent form of

                                    Anthrax.

                                    Dargie

                                    Burpenfart?

                                    Crunt

                                    It reduces morale without destroying buildings.

                                    Dargie

                                    Go on.

                                    Crunt

                                    That's all I know.

                                    Dargie

                                    What you do here?

                                    Crunt

                                    A senior staff member is suspected of commie tendencies.

                                    Give me back my gun and I'll get you your story.

                                    Dargie

                                    You'd a do that?

                                    Crunt

                                    Would an ASIO agent lie?

                                    THEY SHAKE HANDS. CRUNT ATTEMPTS A JUDO

                                    THROW AND STRAINSHIS BACK. THEY SHAKE AGAIN.

                                    CRUNT EXITS THROUGH WINDOW. SOUND OF LARGE

                                    DOGS AND SCREAMS. CRUNT CLIMBS BACK IN WITH

                                    BLOOD ON HIS FACE. DARGIE MOVES THROUGH INTO

                                    THE OFFICE. HE TAKES THE PAPERS FROM THE VASE

                                    AND BEGINS TO READ. SOUNDS OF LOCKS AS BEFORE.

                                    DARGIE REPLACES PAPERS IN VASE AND DIVES OUT

                                    WINDOW. SOUND OF DOGS AND SCREAM. FIG ENTERS.

                                    CROSSES TO WINDOW AND CLOSES IT. SYLVIA ENTERS

                                    AND SURPRISES HIM. GOOD MORNINGS ARE EXCHANGED.

                                    CRUNT HIDES BEHIND THE CURTAINS IN THE

                                    LABORATORY. THE CLOCK STRIKES FOURTEEN AS SYLVIA

                                    ENTERS THE LABORATORY AND STARTS WORK. SHE SPOTS

                                    THE THIGH BONE.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Boris, have you been throwing your din dins around again?

                                    A LARGE BEAR COMES THROUGH THE DOOR, RIGHT.

                                    IT GRABS SYLVIA FROM BEHIND AND BEGINS TO MOLEST

                                    HER.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Fig... Fig... Help.

                                    Fig

                                    What's wrong, Doctor Smart?

                                    Sylvia

                                    Help!

                                    Fig

                                    Can't it wait? I'm busy.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Help... Bear... Rape.

                                    Fig

                                    Tell him you have a headache.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Help!!!

                                    FIG ENTERS THE LABORATORY WITH A STOOL AND

                                    WHIP. HE WHIPS BORIS BACK TOWARD THE ROOM.

                                     THERE IS A FLASH AS CRUNT TAKES A PHOTO. THE

                                    THREE OF THEM PAUSE CLOSE TO THE DOORWAY.

                                    THEY ALL LOOK TOWARD THE CURTAINS. SYLVIA

                                    LOOKS AT FIG WHO SHRUGS. SYLVIA SHRUGS. THEY

                                    BOTH LOOK AT THE BEAR WHO SHRUGS. FIG

                                    CONTINUES AND WHIPS BORIS OUT OF THE

                                    LABORATORY. SOUND OF CAGE BEING LOCKED.

                                    FIG RE-ENTERS.

                                    Fig

                                    How the devil....

                                    Sylvia

                                    I don't know.  (Proffers thigh bone)

                                    Fig

                                    Oh my God. Anyone we know?

                                    Sylvia

                                    Hard to tell.

                                    Fig

                                    I'll check the staff. Are you okay?

                                    Sylvia

                                    Yes. Perfectly.

                                    Fig

                                    Boris didn't...?

                                    Sylvia

                                    No. He thinks I'm his mother. Colonel, I must say

                                    you were most awfully brave.

                                    Fig

                                    It was nothing.    (moves toward the door. pauses in

                                    doorway to strike pose)   We soldiers are trained in heroics.

                                    FIG MARCHES FROM THE ROOM.

                                    SYLVIA RESUMES WORK AT HER DESK. SHE TAKES

                                     A GUINEA PIG FROM A DRAWER, FILLS A SYRINGE,

                                     INJECTS THE PIG. IT BURPS AND FARTS. SYLVIA

                                    PULLS OUT SEVERAL BOTTLES, MIXES LIQUIDS,

                                    FILLS ANOTHER SYRINGE.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Now, little piggy, this should be the antidote.

                                    SYLVIA INJECTS THE PIG. IT BURPS AND FARTS

                                    APPRECIABLY LOUDER.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Hmmm, not quite.

                                    CRUNT HAS COME FROM BEHIND THE CURTAINS

                                    TO SEE WHAT SYLVIA IS DOING. HE BUMPS INTO

                                    THE FURNITURE.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Who are you?

                                    Crunt

                                    A defrocked priest.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Why are you wearing that collar?

                                    Crunt

                                    Force of habit... I'm on the run from the Marist Brothers.

                                    (The guinea pig farts)   Could we open a window? It's a

                                    bit close in here.

                                    Sylvia

                                    You shouldn't be here.

                                    Crunt

                                    That's what Mother Superior said.

                                    THE GUINEA PIG BURPS.

                                    Sylvia

                                    If you're really a priest, why are you wearing dark glasses

                                    and a trench coat?

                                    Crunt

                                    Disguise.

                                    Sylvia

                                    I don't have time to mess around. State your business or get out.

                                    Crunt

                                    Oh, a tough broad, huh?

                                    CRUNT MOVES TOWARD SYLVIA. SHE THROWS HIM

                                    IN A PERFECT JUDO THROW. THE GUINEA PIG FARTS.

                                    Sylvia

                                    I said I don't have time to mess around... Who are you?

                                    Crunt

                                    Crunt.

                                    Sylvia

                                    There's no need to be crude.

                                    Crunt

                                    I'm Mike Crunt, ASIOs top agent and this cannon says I ask

                                    the questions. Got it?

                                    SYLVIA DISARMS HIM AND THROWS HIM TO ONE

                                    SIDE OF THE ROOM AND HIS GUN TO THE OTHER.

                                    Sylvia

                                    I don't have time to mess around.   (The guinea pig farts and burps)

                                    Tell me who you are or I'll have to get heavy.

                                    Crunt

                                    I really am an ASIO spy. Mike Crunt. My card.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Denture repairs? Pick up and deliver.

                                    CRUNT HANDS HER ANOTHER CARD.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Mike Crunt. ASIOs top man. Also, songs sung outside your lover's

                                    window after hours?

                                    Crunt

                                    We have to moonlight.  Our pay is a pittance.

                                    Sylvia

                                    What are you doing creeping around in here?

                                    Crunt

                                    It's Fig I'm after.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Colonel Fig?

                                    Crunt

                                    Okay, it's Colonel Fig I'm after.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Fig?

                                    Crunt

                                    Make up your mind. Fig. Colonel Earnest Fig late of the Fourth

                                    Australian Light Archers. Several years ago I served under his

                                    command in Adelaide. I discovered him having secret meetings

                                    with a KGB spy in the back stalls at the Roma Cinema. I blew

                                    the whistle on him.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Fig is an ardent anti communist,

                                    Crunt

                                    That's his cover. Your laboratory is bugged. I overheard your

                                     conversation yesterday. Fig was probing for cracks in your

                                    ideological armour. What did he say?   (flicks notebook)  

                                    We'll paint the town red? Fig disappeared shortly after I

                                    exposed him in the Roma Cinema. ASIO hired me as a

                                    full time spy specifically to crack the case of the disappearing Fig.

                                    Sylvia

                                    You will arrest him?

                                    Crunt

                                    Not just yet. First I want to know exactly what he's up to.  Under

                                    the official secrets act, I'm ordering you not to let on to anyone

                                    that I'm here. You dig?

                                    Sylvia

                                    I don't give a Fig. Just keep out of my way while I'm working.

                                    Understand?

                                    Crunt

                                    We got a deal. I'll just snoop around a little. Catch him off guard,

                                    red handed, in the act, with his pants down and various other clichés.

                                    PHONE RINGS.

                                    Sylvia

                                    Yes... Doctor who...? Which Doctor...? Yes... I am she. The truck

                                    has cr.... The Burpen... fertilizer is alright? Don't let anyone touch

                                    anything. I'll be right there.   (replaces phone)   I have to go out for

                                    awhile. Don't snoop around in here. You could come down with a

                                    terrible case of anthrax or bubonic plague.

                                    SYLVIA EXITS. THE GUINEA PIG FARTS. CRUNT BEGINS

                                    TO EXAMINE THINGS. HE HOLDS THE GUINEA PIG CAGE

                                    IN ONE HAND AS HE OPENS A DRAWER AND PULLS OUT

                                    A BEATING HUMAN HEART. HE STARES AT IT AS THE

                                    LIGHT FADES. SONG: YOU GOTTA HAVE HEART.

Will Boris marry Sylvia?  Will Crunt live down his name?  Who gives a Fig?

If you want to know how this loopy play pans out; drop me a line and let me know you are interested in producing it.