THE GREAT SANDWICH SHOW.

By

Allen Lyne

 

 

 

 

©  1983  Allen Lyne]

     8 Redgate Court

     Moana Heights

     South Australia  5169

     Ph (08) 8 327 4142

 

 

 

THREE CLOWNS ENTER A CAFE/LUNCHROOM. THEY ENTER DOING

A VOCAL AND MOMENT ROUTINE. THEY INTONE AND SHUFFLE

FORWARD ON THE BEAT OF THEIR INTONATION.

WHEN THEY REACH THE CENTRE OF THE SPACE...

1

Jeeeeez!  I'm so hungry!

2

I'm hungry too!

3

I'm the hungriest!

1

I've got seventeen cents.  How much you got?

2

Forty nine.

3

Twenty three.

THESE FIGURES SHOULD BE ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION.

WHATEVER THE MONETARY AMOUNT, THEY ARE ONE CENT

SHORT OF THE PRICE OF A SANDWICH. THEY CHARGE

 ACROSS TO THE COUNTER AND HAGGLE WITH THE COUNTER

 STAFF.

1

How much is this sanger?

2

This one, this one.  We want this one.

1

It doesn't matter which one, as long as we get a sandwich.

3

Ooooh, I want this one.

2

No. this one.

2 TAKES ONE OF THE SANDWICHES AND HOLDS IT UP

TO THE SHOP ASSISTANT

2

How much…?  Ninety cents?  We've only got eighty nine.

1

Oooooh NO.  I want a sandwich.

2

I'm so hungry.

2 BREAKS OFF A SMALL PIECE OF THE SANDWICH AND

 HANDS IT BACK TO THE SHOP ASSISTANT.

2

Here, that's about one cent's worth.

THEY MOVE TO THE CENTRE OF A PRE ARRANGED SPACE.

 NUMBER 2 HAS HOLD OF THE SANDWICH AND THE OTHER

TWO STRUGGLE WITH HER FOR IT.

1

One sandwich between three of us?

3

What'll we do?

2

I've got it!

1 & 3What?

2

Let's share it.

1 & 3No!

1

We did that yesterday.

3

And the day before.

1

And when I finished my bit, I was still hungry (sobs)

2

Pull yourself together.  We'll work something out.

3

I've got it!

1 & 2

What?

3

You paid seventeen cents.  You paid forty nine cents and I

paid twenty three.  So you get seventeen cents worth, you

get forty nine cents worth and I get twenty three cents worth.

NUMBER 2 IS TRYING TO WORK OUT THE MATHS.

1

That's no good.

3

Why not?

1

Because I'd get the littlest lump and I'm hungry.

2

Alright, you have my bit and I'll have yours.

1

Does that mean I get the most?

2

Yep!

1

Then I'm for that.  Let's do it.

3

How much do you reckon forty nine cents worth is?

1

It's about that much

3

That's too much.

1

No it's not ... (to people in cafe).  That's about forty nine cents

worth, isn't it?

2

Why don't we just share it?

1 & 3

No!

1

I've got it.

2 & 3

What?

1

Let's do it by how big we are ... I'm the biggest, so I should

get the most...  I'll have that much.

3

No, I'm the smallest so I've still got growing to do, so therefore

I should get the most.

1

No you shouldn't.

3

Yes I should.

1

I should get the most.

THEY ARE FIGHTING OVER THE SANGER.

3

Gimmee it!

1

It's mine. I want it all.

2

Behave yourselves. Behave yourselves. What will people think?

3

I should have the biggest bit.

1

I should.

2

Let's share it.

1 & 3

No!

2

Alright. Let's try and work out everyone's share.

1

How are we going to do that?

3

I've got an idea.

1

I've got a better idea.

2

Stop it. Let's get back the bit we left behind the counter.

1

Why did we leave it behind the counter anyway?

2

Because we were one cent short of the price.

1 GETS IT AND GIVES IT TO 2.

2

Right, if this is one cent's worth, how much is forty nine

cent's worth?

THEY PERFORM AN ELABORATE ROUTINE TRYING

 TO MEASURE THE SANDWICH.

2

It's no use.

3

We can't do it.

1

I reckon it's about that much worth

2

Why don't we just share it?

1 & 3

No!

3

I've got it.

1 & 2

What?

3

We'll draw straws.

ELABORATE ROUTINE DRAWING STRAWS.

1

It's no use.

2

They're all the same length.

3

Poop.

1

I'm hungry.

2

Let's share it.

1 & 3

No!

3

I've got it.

1 & 2

Rubbish.

3

No, this will really work. We put the sandwich down here

(on the floor)   We each sit on a chair then we close our

eyes and each count up to ten thousand. First one to finish

gets the sandwich.

2

Couldn't we just share it?

1 & 3

No!

2

At least we'd all get something. This way only one person

gets fed. And anyway, we'll just have the same argument

again tomorrow.

1

Let's count. I count fast hahahahahahahahahahaha.

THEY EACH SIT ON A CHAIR AND BEGIN TO COUNT. 1 IS

CHEATING. JUMPING HUNDREDS. 2 COUNTS METHODICALLY.

3 KEEPS LOSING COUNT AND GOING BACK TO THE BEGINNING.

 AN EXTREMELY FAT, BLIND PERSON, DRESSED IN TOP HAT

AND TAILS AND WEARING WHITE GLOVES COMES INTO THE

 CAFE. HE OR SHE TAPS WITH A WHITE CANE AND DISCOVERS

 THE SANGER ON THE FLOOR AND AN EMPTY CHAIR CLOSE TO

OUR THREESOME. THE FAT, BLIND PERSON SITS ON THE CHAIR

AND EATS THE SANDWICH WITH GREAT ENJOYMENT, WIPES

MOUTH WITH WHITE, LINEN HANDKERCHIEF AND EXITS. JUST

AS THE FAT, BLIND PERSON LEAVES, 1 REACHES TEN

THOUSAND AND DIVES FOR THE PLATE ON THE FLOOR.

1

It's mine, it's mine. Ooooooer!

 

 

 

Oh, oh, what will happen now the sanger is safely inside

the blind person?  Will the people in the café get the blame,

or the staff behind the counter?

If you want to know the answer, send me an email and let me

 know you want to produce this delightful piece of guerrilla theatre nonsense.

Last produced in Adelaide in 1983 and toured to various cafes including the

 ABC staff cafe, various schools and workplaces and the now sadly defunct

Railway Café at Adelaide Railway Station.