THE TERRIBLE TALE OF RED DOG THE IRATE PIRATE

By

Allen Lyne

©  Allen Lyne

PIRATE MUSIC. RED DOG THE IRATE PIRATE ENTERS

WAVING HIS SWORD

Red Dog

Avast there ye lubbers.  Swash swash buckle buckle

Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum, fifteen men on a dead

man’s chest.  Pieces of eight.  You’ll never guess what

I am.  A pirate?  How did you guess?  Me name’s Red Dog

and I’m a very irate pirate.  Do you know what irate means?

It means angry and I’m angry lots of the time.  In fact I feel an

angry attack coming on and when I have an angry attack

everyone better look out.  (Shouts)  I’m a very very angry

very very irate pirate.

SONG:  RED DOG THE IRATE PIRATE.

Red Dog

Now you listen to me and I’ll tell you all a little story about

how I come to be here today.  It’s a story of shipwreck

and pirates and buried treasure and deserted islands

and rum and all those usual things you find in a pirate story.

Many years ago, I almost had me hands on a weighty lot

of booty.  You know what booty is? Treasure.  More gold

than you can imagine.  And jewels, and silver and

diamonds.  Oh, if only I’d got me hands on it I’d’ve been

rich, rich I tell you.  Well, we sailed our ship, The Turtle,

across the six -- or is it seven --? Seas and we come to

the island we were looking for.  Mud Crab Island it be

called.  There were a big fight on the ship between me

and the skipper of the Turtle, old Captain Kelly.  I had an

argument about something with Kelly and I finished up

having an angry attack and he and some of our

shipmates took one of the life boats off the Turtle and

escaped from the island.  Shiver me timbers and batten

down the hatches, we searched and searched for that

treasure for months.  Do you think we could find it?

In the end, right in the middle of the island we found a

big hole that had been dug and a note saying, “Ha Ha,

I’ve taken all the treasure, signed Captain Kelly.”  See?

Here it is.  The note he left in the hole. I’ve carried it with

me now for all these years while I’ve searched for Captain

Kelly.  I’ve searched all over the four continents of the world.

Or is it five?  I’ve searched and searched for years and

finally here I am in Australia and I hear tell from a pirate

friend of mine that Kelly is here.  Right here somewhere

in Adelaide.  Let me tell you that if I find him he’ll be for it.

I’ll make him walk the plank if I get me hands on him.

Oh, if only I could find that lubber Kelly.  I’d make mince

meat out of him.  (Shouts)  I think I’m going to have an

angry attack.

REPRISE CHORUS OF RED DOG THE IRATE PIRATE.

RED DOG EXITS.  CAPTAIN KELLY ENTERS.  HE

MOTIONS THE AUDIENCE TO BE VERY QUIET.

Kelly

Sssssssssshhhhh!  I’m hiding from a mean, nasty,

evil, rotten pirate. You’ll never guess what his name is.

Can you guess?  Red Dog!  Have you seen him?  Oh

no.  If he catches me he’s going to make me walk the

plank.  Do you know why he’s looking for me?  Let me

tell you the story. Years ago I was captain of the Turtle.

A pirate ship that sailed the seven seas looking for

treasure.  One day an old sailor, who was so old he

couldn’t go to sea no more, he sold me a map showing

where there was a fortune in treasure buried on Mud

Crab Island.  That’s an island that is far,far away across

the six -- or is it seven -- seas?  I set sail in The Turtle to

seek out the buried treasure on Mud-Crab island and Red

Dog was me first mate.  We got to the island about sunset

and dropped anchor in a little bay off the coast of Mud-Crab

island.  That night as I took a stroll on the deck of The Turtle

before going to bed, I overheard Red Dog and some other

pirates plotting to steal all the treasure once we’d dug it up.

He was going to make me and some of the others walk the

plank.  Well I got the rest of the crew together and we pushed

off in one of the boats, and in the dead of night by the light of a

candle, we found the buried treasure and loaded it into our boat.

We set sail in our little boat and we finished up here in Adelaide.

I would have liked to see that Red Dog’s face when he found out

e were gone.  Oho, I bet he had one of his angry attacks.  He gets

very irate.  That’s why they call him Red Dog the irate pirate.  We

sailed here to Adelaide, and I paid the rest of the pirates off and

they all joined other ships and sailed away.  I decided that

it was about time for me to leave the sea.  Me ship was gone to

that rascal Red Dog, and I didn’t want to bother about buying

another one.  Besides, I’ve got a secret that I’ve never told anyone.

Can you all keep a secret?  I’m not really very brave.  I don’t really

like fighting and all those other things that pirates are supposed to

be good at.  That Red Dog is such a mean, irate pirate that he

scares me silly.  Especially when he has one of his angry attacks.

But he mustn’t find out that I’m really scared of him.  You won’t tell

him, will you?  Good.  Now I happen to know that Red Dog is scared

of something too.  Do you know what it is?  He can’t stand echoes.  If

he hears an echo he thinks he’s going crazy.  Now Red Dog’s likely to

come by here any time, so I want you to help me.   Will you help me?

Alright, you’re a good and friendly lot for a bunch of land lubbers.  Now

here’s what we’ll do.  Red Dog is very fond of the sound of his own

name.  In fact, any time he’s talking to anyone he always says Red Dog

several times in a conversation.  Every time he says Red Dog, I want

you to shout out Red Dog at him.  Will you do that?  Let’s have a

practice.  (They practice)  Alright, you must only shout Red Dog at him

after he says his name.  Keep it a secret and we’ll trick him if he

happens to come by here.

V/O Red Dog

vast there, and where’s that lubber Captain Kelly.  Where is he?

Kelly

  Oh no.  That sounds like him

V/O Red Dog

I’m a very very irate pirate and I want that treasure stealing

lubber Kelly.   Where are you, Kelly?  I’m having an angry attack.

Kelly

What will I do?  I’ll hide behind this chest here.

KELLY HIDES BEHIND THE CHEST.  RED DOG ENTERS.

Red Dog

Where is he?  I hear tell that Kelly was seen coming in this

direction.  Where are you, Kelly?  Show yourself you cowardly

old curmudgeon.  Have you lot of lubbers seen him?  Maybe

you have and maybe you haven’t.  Let me see, if I were to

hide around here some place, where would I hide?  I’d

probably hide behind that sea chest.

HE GOES TO THE SEA CHEST AND BEGINS TO CRAWL

AROUND IT.  KELLY CRAWLS JUST IN FRONT OF HIM

AND THEY COMPLETE A COUPLE OF CIRCUITS OF THE

CHEST.  KELLY CLIMBS INTO THE CHEST AND CLOSES

THE LID.

Red Dog

He’s not behind the chest.  Where else could he be hiding?

Are you sure you haven’t seen him?  Where else could he be?

SONG:  WHERE ARE YOU CAPTAIN KELLY.

............................

What will happen if Red Dog finds poor old Captain Kelly? 

Will he make him walk the plank?  Will he make him give

all the treasure back?  Let me know if you want to look at

 the rest of this swashbuckling tale of unburied treasure

and unreformed piratical peoples.