PASS THE PYRETHRUM, PORTIA
A Tale of Flatulence and the Fairies.
A 10 MINUTE OUTDOOR ENTERTAINMENT.
By Allen and Sandra Lyne
© Allen & Sandra Lyne
Emperor Flatulence I
Brutus Manly Fairy
Black Spoticus, a witch
Pyrethrum, a good fairy
ACTORS RUN THROUGH THE AUDIENCE AND TAKE UP POSITIONS
IN THE ACTING AREA.
THE EMPEROR MOVES TO THE LEFT OF AREA, MOUNTS A PODIUM,
AND ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE. OTHER ACTORS ARE FROZEN.
Hear ye hear ye hear ye. Good citizens of Wome. Lend me your ears.
ONE OF THE CAST THROWS A SACK
Thank you! Good citizens of Wome, I, Flatulence, Empewor of
Wome, will now tell you the story of the fight which took place
some years ago in our fair city. It’s vewy complicated so you all
better pay attention. We’ll have a test on it later. It’s all about a
spoiled Empewor -- that’s me -- a wicked witch, that’s him, and
som faiwies, that’s them. It was a classic battle between the
forces of good, wepresented by the good Faiwy, Pywethwum
and her fwiends, Maximus Faiwy and Bwutus Manly Faiwy.
THE FAIRIES DO A SWEEP AROUND THE AUDIENCE DOING
And the forces of evil wepresented by the evil witch Blackthwipicus.
BLACKTHIPICUS DOES A SWEEP AROUND THE FRONT OF THE
AUDIENCE HISSING AND MAKING APPROPRIATE WITCHLIKE SOUNDS
First of all, you have to know something about our good Faiwy.
Pywethwum was the only Faiwy who ever failed Faiwy school.
Evewything went wong for Pywethwum. Her wand wouldn’t work pwoperly.
THE PRINCE WANDERS PRINCELIKE ACROSS THE STAGE.
Ooooh, a handsome Prince. I’ll make him fall in love with me.
Abracabloomindabra. Oh, an ugly frog.
THE FROG FRIBBITS’ AS IT HOPS OFF.
I’m not ugly.
That didn’t work. Oh well, it will this time
SHE APPROACHES A MALE MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE
Abracabloomincadabra. Oh, sorry and you were so handsome before.
PYRETHRUM TRIES AGAIN. THE FAIRIES STOP HER FROM CASTING A SPELL.
oooh, I’ll make these roses look better. Abracabloo .... Ooof.
FAIRIES TACKLE PYRETHRUM. THEY INDICATE THE STATUE.
No, Pyrethrum. Look what you did to him!
All of her faiwy spells came out in weverse. Pwetty soon, all of the other
faiwies stopped Pywethwum from casting any spells at all because
things always went wong.
PYRETHRUM TRIES TO CAST ANOTHER SPELL
Oooooh! It doesn’t work!
Never mind, Pywethwum. Where was I? Everyone said I was spoiled.
Very spoiled. Just because I insisted on always getting evewything I
wanted. They even called me a teapot.
Same thing! You’re allowed to be a tea… despot when you’re the
Empewor of Wome. I wasn’t weally hard to get on with. My one weal
weakness was woses.
FLATULENCE SNIFFS A ROSE AND SIGHS
He loved roses.
Now hear this, you wotten subjects. I demand woses. Masses of woses.
Mountains of woses. Miles of woses. If you don’t get me lots of woses
every day of every week of every month of every year, I’ll have all of your
heads on the end of a pike sooner than you can say Flatuelence.
THE FAIRIES GATHER ROSES
Would you bewieve, I’d no sooner said I wanted lots of woses evewy day
than hey pwesto, a wicked witch awived in theEmpire and guess what ....
I hate roses! If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s those
revolting, nasty smelling, icky feeling flowers. I loathe, detest and hate roses!!!
He hated woses with a passion. It was this witch’s wish to stamp out woses
wherever he found them and he started doing this as soon as he awived in
THE WITCH DOES A SWEEP AROUND THE AREA, STAMPING ON ROSES AS HE CHANTS.
Alla kazaam kazzam kazoo, no more roses, hoo hoo hoo!
Alla kazaam kazaam kazee, rot you roses, hee hee hee!
And the woses began to wilt and die. Vewy soon there were
almost no woses left in the entire Empire. I was furwious.
HE ADDRESSES THE’AUDIENCE
Bring me woses or it’s curtains for the lot of you.
THE FAIRIES RUN AROUND LOOKING FOR ROSES
All of my subjects were tewified. They twied to explain what had happened
but I was in no mood to listen. Woses or death.
THE FAIRIES REDOUBLE THEIR EFFORTS. THEY SERCH THE AUDIENCE
Well, it happened that in the Woman Empire at that time there were a bunch of
faiwies. There’s usually a bunch of faiwies around in most Empires and if you
don’t bewieve me check out Hindley Street on a Saturday.
PYRETHRUM AND HER FAIRIES DO A SWEEP AROUND THE AUDIENCE
SAYING PLEASANT THINGS ABOUT ROSES. PYRETHRUM FINISHES HER
SWEEP AND STAMPS HER FOOT.
We’ve got to stop the wicked witch killing roses.
The fairwes waced out and began to put good spells on all of the
woses which were dying.
Witches cannot grabbya
Roses bloom Roses grow
PYRETHRUM ATTEMPTS A SPELL. OTHER FAIRIES STOP HER.
All your spells come out wrong!
It worked and overnight the woses were westored and I thought Pywethwum
and her good faiwies had defeated the witch. Blackthwipicus was fuwious.
BLACKTHRIPICUS DOES A CIRCUIT AROUND THE FRONT OF THE
AUDINCE, SPITTING AND SNARLING
I HATE ROSES. I’ll fix their little chariots.
The Faiwies were outside dancing, where all good faiwies ought to be on a
fine Spwing day. Dancing in their Faiwy circle.
Oh, oh, will the evil witch prevail? Or will the good fairy Pyrethrum save the day and the woses…err… roses?
Let me know if you want to view the rest of this wonderful short play. First produced at an international rose festival.