PASS THE PYRETHRUM, PORTIA

A Tale of Flatulence and the Fairies.

A 10 MINUTE OUTDOOR ENTERTAINMENT.

By Allen and Sandra Lyne

©  Allen & Sandra Lyne

Cast

Emperor Flatulence I

Brutus Manly Fairy

Maximus Fairy

Black Spoticus, a witch

Pyrethrum, a good fairy

ACTORS RUN THROUGH THE AUDIENCE AND TAKE UP POSITIONS

IN THE ACTING AREA.

THE EMPEROR MOVES TO THE LEFT OF AREA, MOUNTS A PODIUM,

AND ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE. OTHER ACTORS ARE FROZEN.

Flatulence

Hear ye hear ye hear ye. Good citizens of Wome. Lend me your ears.

ONE OF THE CAST THROWS A SACK

Flatulence

What’s this?

All

Ears!

Flatulence

Thank you! Good citizens of Wome, I, Flatulence, Empewor of

Wome, will now tell you the story of the fight which took place

some years ago in our fair city. It’s vewy complicated so you all

better pay attention. We’ll have a test on it later. It’s all about a

spoiled Empewor -- that’s me -- a wicked witch, that’s him, and

som faiwies, that’s them. It was a classic battle between the

forces of good, wepresented by the good Faiwy, Pywethwum

and her fwiends, Maximus Faiwy and Bwutus Manly Faiwy.

THE FAIRIES DO A SWEEP AROUND THE AUDIENCE DOING

NICE THINGS.

Flatulence

And the forces of evil wepresented by the evil witch Blackthwipicus.

BLACKTHIPICUS DOES A SWEEP AROUND THE FRONT OF THE

AUDIENCE HISSING AND MAKING APPROPRIATE WITCHLIKE SOUNDS

Flatulence

First of all, you have to know something about our good Faiwy.

Pywethwum was the only Faiwy who ever failed Faiwy school.

Evewything went wong for Pywethwum. Her wand wouldn’t work pwoperly.

THE PRINCE WANDERS PRINCELIKE ACROSS THE STAGE.

Pyrethrum

Ooooh, a handsome Prince. I’ll make him fall in love with me.

Abracabloomindabra. Oh, an ugly frog.

THE FROG FRIBBITS’ AS IT HOPS OFF.

Frog

I’m not ugly.

Pyrethrum

That didn’t work. Oh well, it will this time

SHE APPROACHES A MALE MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE

Pyrethrum

Abracabloomincadabra. Oh, sorry and you were so handsome before.

PYRETHRUM TRIES AGAIN. THE FAIRIES STOP HER FROM CASTING A SPELL.

Pyrethrum

oooh, I’ll make these roses look better. Abracabloo .... Ooof.

FAIRIES TACKLE PYRETHRUM.  THEY INDICATE THE STATUE.

Fairies

No, Pyrethrum. Look what you did to him!

Flatulence

All of her faiwy spells came out in weverse. Pwetty soon, all of the other

faiwies stopped Pywethwum from casting any spells at all because

things always went wong.

PYRETHRUM TRIES TO CAST ANOTHER SPELL

Pyrethrum

Oooooh! It doesn’t work!

Flatulence

Never mind, Pywethwum. Where was I? Everyone said I was spoiled.

Very spoiled. Just because I insisted on always getting evewything I

wanted. They even called me a teapot.

All

Despot!

Flatulence

Same thing! You’re allowed to be a tea… despot when you’re the

Empewor of Wome. I wasn’t weally hard to get on with. My one weal

weakness was woses.

FLATULENCE SNIFFS A ROSE AND SIGHS

Fairies

He loved roses.

Flatulence

Now hear this, you wotten subjects. I demand woses. Masses of woses.

Mountains of woses. Miles of woses. If you don’t get me lots of woses

every day of every week of every month of every year, I’ll have all of your

heads on the end of a pike sooner than you can say Flatuelence.

THE FAIRIES GATHER ROSES

Flatulence

Would you bewieve, I’d no sooner said I wanted lots of woses evewy day

than hey pwesto, a wicked witch awived in theEmpire and guess what ....

Fairies

What?

Blackthripicus

I hate roses! If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s those

revolting, nasty smelling, icky feeling flowers. I loathe, detest and hate roses!!!

Flatulence

He hated woses with a passion. It was this witch’s wish to stamp out woses

wherever he found them and he started doing this as soon as he awived in

 the Empire.

THE WITCH DOES A SWEEP AROUND THE AREA, STAMPING ON ROSES AS HE CHANTS.

Witch

Alla kazaam kazzam kazoo, no more roses, hoo hoo hoo!

Alla kazaam kazaam kazee, rot you roses, hee hee hee!

Flatulence

And the woses began to wilt and die. Vewy soon there were

almost no woses left in the entire Empire. I was furwious.

HE ADDRESSES THE’AUDIENCE

Flatulence

Bring me woses or it’s curtains for the lot of you.

THE FAIRIES RUN AROUND LOOKING FOR ROSES

Flatulence

All of my subjects were tewified. They twied to explain what had happened

 but I was in no mood to listen.  Woses or death.

THE FAIRIES REDOUBLE THEIR EFFORTS.  THEY SERCH THE AUDIENCE

Flatulence

Well, it happened that in the Woman Empire at that time there were a bunch of

faiwies. There’s usually a bunch of faiwies around in most Empires and if you

don’t bewieve me check out Hindley Street on a Saturday.

PYRETHRUM AND HER FAIRIES DO A SWEEP AROUND THE AUDIENCE

SAYING PLEASANT THINGS ABOUT ROSES. PYRETHRUM FINISHES HER

SWEEP AND STAMPS HER FOOT.

Pyrethrum

We’ve got to stop the wicked witch killing roses.

Flatulence

The fairwes waced out and began to put good spells on all of the

 woses which were dying.

Fairies

Abracabloomindabra.

Witches cannot grabbya

Roses bloom Roses grow

Abracabloomindabra.

PYRETHRUM ATTEMPTS A SPELL. OTHER FAIRIES STOP HER.

Fairy I

No, Pyrethrum!

Fairy 2

All your spells come out wrong!

Flatulence

It worked and overnight the woses were westored and I thought Pywethwum

and her good faiwies had defeated the witch.  Blackthwipicus was fuwious.

BLACKTHRIPICUS DOES A CIRCUIT AROUND THE FRONT OF THE

AUDINCE, SPITTING AND SNARLING

Blackthripicus

I HATE ROSES. I’ll fix their little chariots.

Flatulence

The Faiwies were outside dancing, where all good faiwies ought to be on a

fine Spwing day. Dancing in their Faiwy circle.

Faries

Look, mushrooms!

………

Oh, oh, will the evil witch prevail?  Or will the good fairy Pyrethrum save the day and the woses…err… roses?

Let me know if you want to view the rest of this wonderful short play.  First produced at an international rose festival.