<%@LANGUAGE="JAVASCRIPT" CODEPAGE="1252"%> Fawlty One
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Hotel Inspector 1

Manuel

Mr. Fawlty, Mr. Fawlty, this man over here, he say your soup (or entree) sucks.

Basil

What's this? I hear you've been complaining about the soup. (or entree) What was wrong with the soup, might I ask. Not hot enough? Not enough flavour? We had the Prince of Wales staying here you know and we served him exactly the same soup and he said it was the best he'd ever eaten. Best he'd ever eaten, but what would he know, eh? After all, he's only the first son of the Royal Family, brought up to the best of everything, silver service for breakfast, luncheon and dinner, not to mention morning and afternoon tea and he said it was the best soup he'd ever eaten, but not good enough for you, eh? Not good enough? I'll have a word to chef and let him know we have a guest complaining about the soup. What was your complaint anyway?

Manuel

He say it sucks.

Basil

Oh, so we're denying it are we? You have the temerity to sit there and deny that you've been complaining about the soup, have you? I suppose Manuel made a mistake did he? Or was he lying when he came out to the desk and pointed you out as the man who was complaining about the soup, hmmm? Anyway, don't worry about it, I'll just slip out to the kitchen and let chef know that there's someone dining in tonight who says his food tastes like dog's do do. No problem, sir. No problem at all. No, don't thank me. Chef will be right out and show you what a dab hand he is with a meat cleaver. Good enough for the Prince of Wales, but sir has finer tastes than that, obviously. Oh, the riffraff we get in here.

THE PHONE RINGS.

Basil

Honestly, it makes me wonder why I bother. I could just as easily have been a keeper at the zoo with you lot.

Sybil

Phone call, Basil. It's Charley from the Torquay pub for you.

Basil

Be right there, Sybil ... Well, will sir be requiring the next course or should I perhaps call you a taxi. No charge for the soup, sir as you, obviously, unlike the Prince of Wales and his friend Camilla, what's her name? Camilla... Gate, you didn't like it. Good enough for royalty and their friends but not good enough for you, you prize punce!

BASIL PUNCHES THE WORD PUNCE AS HE MOVES TOWARDS THE DESK AND PHONE.

Basil

Charley, hello. No I haven't been down there lately. Bit hard to get away, if you know what I mean. Yes. What? A hotel inspector and he's coming here. I see. Well, thanks for the tip, Charley. Yes, I'll be down any day now, even if I have to come chains and all.

BASIL HAS PLAYED THE "GET AWAY" LINES AT SYBIL WHO IS LOOKING AT A MAGAZINE. HE PUTS DOWN THE PHONE AND TURNS TO HER.

Basil

We've got trouble, Sybil.

Sybil

Have we, Basil. What did Charley say?

Basil

There's a hotel inspector heading this way. He dropped in for a pint at Charley's pub and Charley overheard him say that he was coming to check out our establishment incognito.

Sybil

Really, Basil. Did Charley say what he looked like?

Basil

Ugly looking chap. Small beady eyes. Halitosis. Dandruff. Bad taste in clothes.

Sybil

That sounds like the man at table (five.)

Basil

Oh my god.

Sybil

What's the matter.

Basil

I don't believe it.

Sybil

What on earth is the matter, Basil.

Basil

I insulted him.

Sybil

You did what?

Basil

I insulted him. I called him a prize punce.

Sybil

I've told you before, Basil. You mustn't say nasty things to the guests.

Basil

Never mind that now. What are we going to do?

Sybil

Let's go in and see if we can't repair the damage you've done. I do wish you'd listen to me sometimes.

Basil

Yes yes yes.

AND SO THE SCENE CONTINUES TO ITS GHASTLY CONCLUSION.

To read the entire script, contact Allen at Bearly Together Co.

bear@senet.com.au